Boiling in Beer Land!

As a young mother, she had one thing going for her. She mostly knew her limitations. As a result, she was open to learning. Learning about this small creature that they had created; how to care for his little body, how to care for his heart and how to care for his mind. She knew that the humans that she was entrusted to for this endeavor had failed. Fortunately, unfortunately.

Blessed with this presence of mind, she applied for every program, private or otherwise, that might help her to be a better parent to her son. One of these programs provided childcare services for her kid and car seats and utility assistance as well.

One day she received a flyer sent in the mail. It was an advertisement for a work shop the program was holding. They were having small seminars from local people essentially on topics of how to lift yourself up. They had a representative from the electric company that explained what to do if you couldn’t pay your bill and he talked about programs to assist in covering costs. They had other people there talking about child care and money management.

The program encouraged participation in the workshop by offering to pay a utility bill for attending. Win-win, she thought, so she signed up and then she showed up. The workshop was held in a large classroom like room and it was pretty packed. Standing room only. Mothers with small children, organizers from the program and folks from the community all coming together. It was impactful She learned quite a bit.

At the end of the work shop, they had sign up sheets for different classes that would basically continue to discuss these subjects. Once again, they would pay a utility bill for anyone who came and you didn’t have to provide any proof of income. You’d just show up, stay for the class and at the end, give them your bill and they would pay it. At the time, it actually seemed like a dream come true.

She and her kids’ dad were not together at this point. Her son was about two at the time. He was still very little. They had, for the most part, an amicable break up. They didn’t squabble over money or time. They certainly weren’t perfect parents but they did really come together to raise their son.

She told her kid’s dad about the parenting classes, the paying of the utility bills and the complete lack of proof of income required for attendance and he was in too! They signed up and then they showed up. The classes were taught at the same facility where the initial work shop was held. Parenting was the topic and they both knew they had a lot to learn.

The woman who taught the class was there. Her skin tone was a shade darker than the stately khaki trench coat she wore. Her hair was copper colored, matched her lipstick perfectly and was sprayed immaculately in place. She smiled. Not warmly, rather authoritatively. Not mean, just down to business.

They were the first to arrive and she instructed that they’d wait for others to show up before beginning. So, they waited. No one else ever showed up. After they all came to the realization that it was just the three of them, they moved to a smaller office. Here, for the next few weeks, the kids parents got private parenting lessons from a community professional for the price of having their electric bills paid.

She taught them things that were very impactful. The first being, that although were we not a couple any longer and didn’t live in the same house and because their son split his time with both parents, it was crucial that the rules be the same in both places. The bedtimes, the limits, the rewards, the punishments. If they could come together and provide sameness when it came to these topics, their child would have stability and expectations, even in two homes.

Next, she taught them that if their son was doing something they didn’t want him to do, then they needed to tell him to stop but then to give him a suitable replacement for the action. She explained how most parents tell young children “No, stop, don’t do that” and then all the child’s brain can focus on is not doing whatever. So, the kid keeps trying to do whatever. Then the parent gets mad, the kid gets mad and everyone is mad. But when you tell them “No, stop, don’t do that, here, do this instead” and give them something to do, you are teaching your child limits, boundaries and positive coping mechanisms. This bit of advice was maybe the most helpful thing they learned.

The next bit of parenting information might seem so obvious however, in many households, it is not. This lesson was to kiss and hug and tell him they love him every single day. She explained how showing physical affection is easy to do when our children are snuggly little chubby faced cherub babies. But as they grow and we grow and the demands of life grow, this seemingly simple task would get increasingly more difficult. And their teacher was absolutely right.

She remembered her teachers’ words when her son was a middle school football player. She remembered her teachers’ words when her son grew taller than her. Now that he is a grown man, she still remembers her teachers’ words. While they don’t talk or see each other daily anymore, when they do, she always reminds him of routine. She praises his positive coping strategies. She kisses him and hugs him and tells him that she loves him. And she knows his father does as well.